No Man Is An Island

Funny how we can think we're the only one going through something. I think it's easy to get locked in to that mentality. It's only me. No one else could possibly know what my life is like. Everyone else has got it going on but my life is falling apart. It's easy to think those kind of thoughts. I certainly know I've thought them before.

But the more I've taken the risk, opened up, shared with a friend or two a little peak into my life the more I'm pleasantly surprised to find I'm not the only one. It's refreshing. It's connecting. It's encouraging.

But there's that pesky little risk word. The weight of which involves being honest, being humble, letting the not so pretty parts of our lives be a little more known to those around us. Why aren't we doing more of that? Fear. Fear of rejection. Fear that we are the only one. That no one will get it. That we'll be the freaky friend with the weirdo problems. Nobody wants to be a weirdo.

Without being all super duper spiritual I think it's really the devil's plan to make us feel alone. To be isolated. What better way to keep us stuck where we're at? What better way to make us feel like losers.

I dare you to take the risk. Put it all out there. If you don't want to put it all out there put a little bit out there. I bet you find someone who gets it. Actually, I bet you find a ton of people who get it. You won't be as weird as you thought you were. Your problems won't be nearly as off the wall as they seemed.

Chances are you're going to hear something like this:

Financial difficulties? Sure.

Marriage ever gone through a rough patch? Yip.

Sex life not all it's cracked up to be? Uhuh.

Kids not exactly behaving as you'd like? You betcha.

Wish you were in better shape? Join the club.

Talk to a friend. Talk to 10 friends. You'll be glad you did.

There's a hole in my bucket.

Ever known someone with a hole in their bucket? Ever been that someone? I have. Not gonna lie. There's definitely been a time in my life when I was the leaking bucket. No matter what good thing went in it wasn't going to stick. I've spent the past three years doing some serious bucket repair.

This chick ain't all fun, games, and pink and purple hair folks. It came to the point where it was now or never. Fix the bucket or continue in a life headed no where good. But of course it's a process and I continue on that journey.

Here's the confession: I know some people with leaky buckets. *gasp* And I've got grace for that, for a while. But then I get to a point when I want to draw a line in the sand and say, "FIX YOUR LEAKY BUCKET!" God's big enough, I've seen what He's done in me. More than anything I get frustrated that a better life is waiting right around the corner for them if they will take the time, do the work, and get spiritually and emotionally healthy. I know they have to get to the point to want that help but it is wrong to urge them along?

Is that mean? I never claimed to be a grace girl. Mercy's not my motivation 9 times out of 10. But having been on one side of the story and now moved to the other I want everyone to get what I've got. It's a better way to live.

How do you show love to a leaky bucket that won't get fixed? I want to know.

Home Sick With No Home...or...Another Day in the Life of an MK

I've been homesick lately. It feels silly to be grown up and with a home of my own and still feel homesick for somewhere else. But there it is. I'm longing for "home."

Whether you know this about me or not the fact is that I spent the better part (in fact all) of my teenage years 8504 Miles from here. I should know, I googled it. Many of the things that make me, me and the memories that go with them are a pretty long plane ride away.

When I say homesick I'm not talking about hopping in the car and driving down the block to the house I grew up in. I'm not even talking about over the river and through the woods type thing. I'm talking shell out $1500 bucks and fly for 24 hours and arrive a day later in stinky, smelly, wonderful Manila.

When I miss smells, shops, stores, food, sites and people I'm talking about the Philippines. I'll admit I've been able to go back more than most in the 14 years since I've left. Both my kiddos spent their first Christmas' there. And we've gone back several more times with short-term mission teams. But I'm currently in the longest stretch of not being there that I've ever been through.

Now here's the rub of the MK life. The house I grew up in was a rented one, and my parents don't live there anymore. In fact, they don't even live in the Philippines. So going back has become strange. I haven't been back since they moved. I don't know what it would be like to visit without being in the house I grew up in, where I remember all my Christmas' and getting ready for proms etc etc.

And it now strikes me that I'm sure kids who grew up in America face this same issue. Families move. Houses get sold. Life goes on.

And it does go on. Even mine. I'm just a bit homesick for a place that's very hard to get to these days. And that makes me a little sad.

If you don't have anything nice to say...

So have you noticed the silence? Not that ya'll are hanging on my every blog but still it occured to me that I haven't had much to say in a while.

You all know the old saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all"?

I think that's where I'm at. I don't think that's a bad place to be. Maybe it's even good. At least I'm showing self-control. Self-control is a good thing right?

I'm not down. I'm not depressed. I'm not hopeless. But I just don't have much nice to say. A lot is going on around me with friends and people I love. A lot is going on with me. It can be overwhelming at times.

I'm standing with them. Trusting with them. Praying for them. But beyond that I'm out of words. I don't even know what to tell myself to think. (I can probably still tell other people what to think but that's just because I've always been bossy!) haha!

So I'm gonna keep quiet for a while. Just being real. Nothing wrong with that.

Favor, never a bad thing

courtesy of freedigitalpics.com/m_bartosch

Favor. It's pretty cool thing. My kids have been experiencing a lot of it lately. They've been finding money on the ground wherever they go. They've been handed money. We were in line at St*rbucks and this kind elderly gentleman tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I think your kids must have dropped these." He had two shiny quarters in his hand. They were thrilled.

Their grandma took them out for slushies the other day and Manny mentioned how he wished he could get a size larger than small. WALA! He got upsized to a medium just like that. His eyes about popped out of their sockets. We had an awesome conversation about "you have not because you ask not." I think that principle is going to stick with him for the rest of his life. It's amazing what a point a medium slushie can drive home.

I love seeing them blessed. And I love pouring in to them that favor is theirs for the asking. That Jesus loves to give good gifts to His kids. And I LOVE LOVE that with each blessing they receive they're turning around and being a blessing themselves in return.

It's a proud mom moment when it all comes together, even just for a moment.

To wave or not to wave?

I've been in the middle of something for a month or so now that has me wavering daily between waving the white flag of surrender or sticking to my guns. Sometimes my thoughts fluctuate as often as every hour as to what my decision will be. And it's exhausting. Really.

Probably more than half the battle is the one I wage within myself. Knowing that if I "gave in" & "gave up" things would probably be SO MUCH easier - for the moment. But knowing also that by giving up and giving in I'd eventually be right back to resenting the very thing I gave in to.

Ahhhh...what a double-edged sword.

So I'm learning some about boundaries. Boundaries: is it a dirty word? Sometimes it can feel that way, especially to those who would fall into the boundary hater category. Being somewhat new to the boundary idea it's no picnic for the one setting the boundary either. Sticking it out when giving in seems easier. Feeling this ridiculous feeling that I've come to know as "good guilt". It goes like: "this is my decision and I'm sorry if you don't like it, but it's still my decision."

So when I'm on the fence about reaching for my white flag I usually reach out. To God who always gives wisdom when we ask and to a few close people that I know will tell me what I need to hear. And then I shove the white flag into my back pocket for a while longer.

I'd rather not waiver. I'd rather not even have to decide between the two options. Frankly, I'd probably rather run and hide. I'm human so there it is. Sometimes I just wish it was easier.

Things my children say that make me laugh (when they're not looking of course!)

Love these two!

• Whenever Manny is dressed up like a cowboy he will walk through a room, tip his red hat and say, "beggin' ma pardon" (instead of begging your pardon!) This totally cracks me up. Oh, and he says it with a southern drawl.

• Belle says "bre-fix" instead of breakfast. She has always said this. And she has tried to correct herself numerous times. She simply cannot say it correctly. And so last we spoke of it (cause it makes me laugh) she said that she will always say it, her husband is going to have to say it and her children are going to be taught to say it that way too! That her children will line up in the morning and say "mom, feed us bre-fix!" tee-hee

• Whenever the kids see something inappropriate, and this truly could be anything, a babies bottom on a lotion commercial, a picture of a bloody finger on a band-aid ad - this is what they say; Manny: "That's any-propriate" Belle: "That's dis-apropriate" Lol, it's making me chuckle as I type.

• When Manny is "bothering" Belle she will say, "Manny is ag-gra-tating me!" I love this word. A perfect mix of irritating and aggravating. Which is EXACTLY what Manny does to Belle from time to time. I personally think this word should be in the dictionary.

• Belle also says bap-a-tize instead of baptize. She said it when she was getting baptized at church. "Hey grandma, I'm getting bapatized tomorrow." She said it the other day when she and Manny were learning about the Jordan River. "That's the river Jesus was bapatized in." I was in the kitchen washing dishes, and snickering.

• And they both say, ALL the time, literally. But they say it like this, lit-early. "We lit-early were going 100 miles per hour down the slide mom. Again, I'm laughing"

Ah those funny kids! I could correct them on how to say these words properly. Sometimes I do. But mostly, I just let them go. Because they're not going to be kids for long.