There's a hole in my bucket.

Ever known someone with a hole in their bucket? Ever been that someone? I have. Not gonna lie. There's definitely been a time in my life when I was the leaking bucket. No matter what good thing went in it wasn't going to stick. I've spent the past three years doing some serious bucket repair.

This chick ain't all fun, games, and pink and purple hair folks. It came to the point where it was now or never. Fix the bucket or continue in a life headed no where good. But of course it's a process and I continue on that journey.

Here's the confession: I know some people with leaky buckets. *gasp* And I've got grace for that, for a while. But then I get to a point when I want to draw a line in the sand and say, "FIX YOUR LEAKY BUCKET!" God's big enough, I've seen what He's done in me. More than anything I get frustrated that a better life is waiting right around the corner for them if they will take the time, do the work, and get spiritually and emotionally healthy. I know they have to get to the point to want that help but it is wrong to urge them along?

Is that mean? I never claimed to be a grace girl. Mercy's not my motivation 9 times out of 10. But having been on one side of the story and now moved to the other I want everyone to get what I've got. It's a better way to live.

How do you show love to a leaky bucket that won't get fixed? I want to know.

Home Sick With No Home...or...Another Day in the Life of an MK

I've been homesick lately. It feels silly to be grown up and with a home of my own and still feel homesick for somewhere else. But there it is. I'm longing for "home."

Whether you know this about me or not the fact is that I spent the better part (in fact all) of my teenage years 8504 Miles from here. I should know, I googled it. Many of the things that make me, me and the memories that go with them are a pretty long plane ride away.

When I say homesick I'm not talking about hopping in the car and driving down the block to the house I grew up in. I'm not even talking about over the river and through the woods type thing. I'm talking shell out $1500 bucks and fly for 24 hours and arrive a day later in stinky, smelly, wonderful Manila.

When I miss smells, shops, stores, food, sites and people I'm talking about the Philippines. I'll admit I've been able to go back more than most in the 14 years since I've left. Both my kiddos spent their first Christmas' there. And we've gone back several more times with short-term mission teams. But I'm currently in the longest stretch of not being there that I've ever been through.

Now here's the rub of the MK life. The house I grew up in was a rented one, and my parents don't live there anymore. In fact, they don't even live in the Philippines. So going back has become strange. I haven't been back since they moved. I don't know what it would be like to visit without being in the house I grew up in, where I remember all my Christmas' and getting ready for proms etc etc.

And it now strikes me that I'm sure kids who grew up in America face this same issue. Families move. Houses get sold. Life goes on.

And it does go on. Even mine. I'm just a bit homesick for a place that's very hard to get to these days. And that makes me a little sad.

If you don't have anything nice to say...

So have you noticed the silence? Not that ya'll are hanging on my every blog but still it occured to me that I haven't had much to say in a while.

You all know the old saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all"?

I think that's where I'm at. I don't think that's a bad place to be. Maybe it's even good. At least I'm showing self-control. Self-control is a good thing right?

I'm not down. I'm not depressed. I'm not hopeless. But I just don't have much nice to say. A lot is going on around me with friends and people I love. A lot is going on with me. It can be overwhelming at times.

I'm standing with them. Trusting with them. Praying for them. But beyond that I'm out of words. I don't even know what to tell myself to think. (I can probably still tell other people what to think but that's just because I've always been bossy!) haha!

So I'm gonna keep quiet for a while. Just being real. Nothing wrong with that.

Favor, never a bad thing

courtesy of freedigitalpics.com/m_bartosch

Favor. It's pretty cool thing. My kids have been experiencing a lot of it lately. They've been finding money on the ground wherever they go. They've been handed money. We were in line at St*rbucks and this kind elderly gentleman tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I think your kids must have dropped these." He had two shiny quarters in his hand. They were thrilled.

Their grandma took them out for slushies the other day and Manny mentioned how he wished he could get a size larger than small. WALA! He got upsized to a medium just like that. His eyes about popped out of their sockets. We had an awesome conversation about "you have not because you ask not." I think that principle is going to stick with him for the rest of his life. It's amazing what a point a medium slushie can drive home.

I love seeing them blessed. And I love pouring in to them that favor is theirs for the asking. That Jesus loves to give good gifts to His kids. And I LOVE LOVE that with each blessing they receive they're turning around and being a blessing themselves in return.

It's a proud mom moment when it all comes together, even just for a moment.

To wave or not to wave?

I've been in the middle of something for a month or so now that has me wavering daily between waving the white flag of surrender or sticking to my guns. Sometimes my thoughts fluctuate as often as every hour as to what my decision will be. And it's exhausting. Really.

Probably more than half the battle is the one I wage within myself. Knowing that if I "gave in" & "gave up" things would probably be SO MUCH easier - for the moment. But knowing also that by giving up and giving in I'd eventually be right back to resenting the very thing I gave in to.

Ahhhh...what a double-edged sword.

So I'm learning some about boundaries. Boundaries: is it a dirty word? Sometimes it can feel that way, especially to those who would fall into the boundary hater category. Being somewhat new to the boundary idea it's no picnic for the one setting the boundary either. Sticking it out when giving in seems easier. Feeling this ridiculous feeling that I've come to know as "good guilt". It goes like: "this is my decision and I'm sorry if you don't like it, but it's still my decision."

So when I'm on the fence about reaching for my white flag I usually reach out. To God who always gives wisdom when we ask and to a few close people that I know will tell me what I need to hear. And then I shove the white flag into my back pocket for a while longer.

I'd rather not waiver. I'd rather not even have to decide between the two options. Frankly, I'd probably rather run and hide. I'm human so there it is. Sometimes I just wish it was easier.

Things my children say that make me laugh (when they're not looking of course!)

Love these two!

• Whenever Manny is dressed up like a cowboy he will walk through a room, tip his red hat and say, "beggin' ma pardon" (instead of begging your pardon!) This totally cracks me up. Oh, and he says it with a southern drawl.

• Belle says "bre-fix" instead of breakfast. She has always said this. And she has tried to correct herself numerous times. She simply cannot say it correctly. And so last we spoke of it (cause it makes me laugh) she said that she will always say it, her husband is going to have to say it and her children are going to be taught to say it that way too! That her children will line up in the morning and say "mom, feed us bre-fix!" tee-hee

• Whenever the kids see something inappropriate, and this truly could be anything, a babies bottom on a lotion commercial, a picture of a bloody finger on a band-aid ad - this is what they say; Manny: "That's any-propriate" Belle: "That's dis-apropriate" Lol, it's making me chuckle as I type.

• When Manny is "bothering" Belle she will say, "Manny is ag-gra-tating me!" I love this word. A perfect mix of irritating and aggravating. Which is EXACTLY what Manny does to Belle from time to time. I personally think this word should be in the dictionary.

• Belle also says bap-a-tize instead of baptize. She said it when she was getting baptized at church. "Hey grandma, I'm getting bapatized tomorrow." She said it the other day when she and Manny were learning about the Jordan River. "That's the river Jesus was bapatized in." I was in the kitchen washing dishes, and snickering.

• And they both say, ALL the time, literally. But they say it like this, lit-early. "We lit-early were going 100 miles per hour down the slide mom. Again, I'm laughing"

Ah those funny kids! I could correct them on how to say these words properly. Sometimes I do. But mostly, I just let them go. Because they're not going to be kids for long.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

OK - I am so not talking about romantic love here. On that front I stand that love is a choice and it has to be chosen everyday. Especially if you've been married any length of time past one year. Just sayin'...

Moving on. I'm talking about my life. It's not exactly what I would have chosen. Some parts of it are; lots of parts of it are not. My dreams had me somewhere between traveling all over Asia with a backpack and a camera and working in an awesome high-rise in some big city. Nicely enough I've done both those things already. They were fun. Maybe I'll get a chance to do them again some day.

Also on the top of my dream list were the two wonderful children I have. In the order I had them. Girl. Boy. Love it! I have some dreams of others coming in to our family from some different nations but that's a dream for another day.

I have enough dreams for myself that I'm going to need several lifetimes to live them all out. I'm reminding myself of my dear friend Selma with all this dream talk. That's ok. I like her.

The parts of my life that don't exactly sync up with the dreams I've dreamed? Not important. And this I realized as I was looking out a doctors office window today at a beautiful tree blowing in the spring breeze. And I realized I'm happy. And that it's that simple. I can choose to be happy, but a lot of times it doesn't even feel like a hard choice. I just AM happy. And I let the little things make me happy. Pretty trees. A great view. Laughing kids. A good worship song. Baking cookies at midnight. Whatever.

I'm happy with the parts of the dreams that came true. I'm happy with the other parts that I know are still on the way. And I'm excited about the dreams I haven't even had a chance to dream yet.

I'm glad to be living this time in my life. There are definitely things I'm not happy about. Even dreams I've had to grieve over and lay to rest (at least for now). There were some rose colored glasses I had to take off. I give myself permission to be happy about things, about life! even though it isn't exactly what I had planned. I'm not going to delay my happiness just because everything isn't all sorted out just right. Just because I don't see things working out the way I thought they should/would.

The bottom line is: it's good to be happy with where you're at (not just talking physical location here). Especially if you know God has you there for a reason.